shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
