she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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