We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Someone signed my nipple.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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