Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
