i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
