I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
