I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
