I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize