I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.