I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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