The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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