the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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