the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
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Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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