I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
