the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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