My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
