my mouth tastes like poor choices
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
