Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
