i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
