Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
