I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
