mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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