in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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