I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
