My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
