So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
