She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
