There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
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this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
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Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize