If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
