Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
