Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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