I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
that is very illegal...i love you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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