I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
