I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
