just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
