I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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