woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
