kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
