I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I still have a little drunk in my system
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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