No, drunk sperm still make babies.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
