i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
