It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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