Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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