I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
