I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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