im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
