We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
