her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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