I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
