I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
