I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
