I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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