after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
