why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
