I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
