it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
