I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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