I think I won the penis lottery.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
