mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
