capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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