No stitches, just platelets and will power
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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