Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
